.....to love

 LOVE 

Oh to experience love, butterflies in your stomach, the excitement when you hear their voice 

We tend to  romanticize the idea of love until  it loses its magic, we mistake romance for love, kisses on the forehead, red roses every evening ,dates and baecations , back rubs and magical sex. Don’t get me wrong I want my life to be one long romantic episode but I also want it to have substance.

What do we have after all that?  do you find pleasure in their presence? can you sit and talk to them for hours? can you sit with them comfortably in silence ? do you trust them, trust their judgement? What happens after  everything fades? Will you still have a friend? A companion?

I always say i want to be sober in love, what good does it do you to be drunk in love?, to see no fault of theirs,arent you afraid of a perfect man/woman?

I Once loved a man whose flaws were non-existent to me , he wasn’t even my “spec” but I found him to be perfect! My brain!!! ,my brain  refused to work with my heart,there was no mediation on this case, Logic prevailed. I told myself i could not marry this man, if  i am so blinded by the love that i have for him that i see no wrong ,no red flags, then i cant marry him , i know love, i know how it makes people submit and i do not submit to men,  mortals? NO! you take away my essence by making me submit to love.

To know what’s for you — you have to know what you can and can’t tolerate and i can’t tolerate being drunk in love

I understand who i am and what feeds me outside of someone else. The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is becoming someone they’re not . A mold to fit a lover’s preference. I believe a good partner is someone who can only complement me, not ‘complete’ me. 

Overtime you lose a sense of who you are when you commit to partner’s preference and neglect who you really are - A distasteful marriage.

“love without consciousness becomes control” theres nothing romantic about being drunk in love,true love comes with freedom,true love liberates.

Love for me is to make room not to tolerate, tolerating  is to discomfort yourself , i want to make room for you in my life and i want you to do the same for me , I want to be with a man who understands the value of being with me, I am not a seasonal fruit , I am water ,you could survive without but what an unhealthy life that will be.

 

Learning how to cook

We never had to do any chores , the only thing mum would occasionally force us to do was make our beds and there was only two of us, we were fortunate enough to always have maids, but we loved to learn and we loved to watch.

My mum cooked once in a while and when she did it would count as one of the best days of our lives, i always wondered why she didn't cook more often, maybe because she didn't really have the time,  she had blessed hands, it was always an exciting experience when she cooked, she had her own twist to everything, even something as simple as an omelet was memorable, i never liked eggs, but whenever my mum made eggs i would devour them. 

There was always layers of unique flavors in her dishes, her cakes were like eating love , she was a masterchef....it saddens me greatly that i didn't get to learn enough from her, cook with her, write with her, she was once a writer y'know......but grateful for the little time we had.

She passed away when i was 12 and thus began my Cinderella story , a journey of learning life skills , i still remember the disbelief on my aunties faces when i told them i didn't know how to sweep or how to cook or how to do laundry . It was hard ,coming out of my comfort and facing a cruel world , learning everything with no one to reference to, and no one to really guide me, at least in a caring manner, no one really has the time or patience to lovingly guide you through life except someone who wholeheartedly cares about you y'know, your mother for example. It was very challenging but though it was like walking through the valley of death ,it was a memorable journey.

 

I have always been a loner, i've always enjoyed my own company,   i like to observe ,i like to listen, i like learning how things are made ,how things work , just for my information. 

I was fortunate enough to go away for uni, another country ,another continent, i had my own apartment , i had the opportunity to do some self discovery and to evolve. I had all the time to figure out if i was a toilet seat up or toilet seat down person , if i was an early morning workout person or a late night one , had time and space to understand my emotions, my body , my relationships, discover how my brain works, i even found out that i have a photographic memory but that's a story for another page. 

I learned how to cook through observation and learned how to bake through trials , i had a close friend who enjoyed cooking and trying out new recipes, i'd always watch her and her processes ,and then when i go back to my apartment id try to recreate, id watch a lot of youtube videos, call my aunties to ask them what goes in the pot first and slowly slowly i learned the art of cooking, i developed my own recipes , my own unique approach and i asked a lot of questions. I figured i was living in a country where food and spice was an important part of their culture and so i had to fully explore, i had access to a variety of food and spice that i didn't even know existed , i would often go to a restaurant and eat something remarkable and i'd come home and try to recreate it.

Mum never liked boring food, I inherited that from her, so i learned how to "unbore" a dish ,by adding something to elevate it, some bananas in jollof rice, honey in soup, lemon juice sprinkled on chicken, a quick  cabbage sauce, and the list goes on.

On this wonderful journey, i learned how to make and enjoy Arabian food from a lovely Emirati  neighbor  i had ,HIYAM ,beautiful woman , she figured i loved exploring food and i loved Arabian food so she taught me how to make every arabian dish that i know and love to cook today ,  Maghloubeh,Molukhia,Mandi,Falafel,Mansaf!!! oh how i loved to make Mansaf.

One of the best experiences throughout my life (thus far) has been learning how to cook and how to quickly whip something up ,truly a great skill to have.

My sister on the other hand it comes natural to her , everything she cooks taste good and i believe she's a better cook than i am , its a debate we keep having at home. One day while i was making chicken lollipops ,she came into the kitchen to see what i was doing and she said to me, '' i hope we live in the same city when we get married" i asked why? she said "so that i can come to your house everyday to eat" and i said 'wont you cook in your house?' "of course ill cook but i know there's always going to be something better and fancy in your house" it made me so happy, that was the confirmation i needed to know that i was doing well for someone who had to learn everything on her own. Its the same way i feel when my dad specifically asks for me to make his food. MUM WOULD BE PROUD.